dealing with your shit before becoming a parent

*****be warned this may get dark

Let’s face it, life is not perfect. It does not matter how loving or wealthy your parents were, there may be times from your childhood that still linger in your mind. Some of those times may be painful to you even if they seem like nothing to whine about to someone else. Painful memories are unique to each person. They are a reality we all take with us on our journey into adulthood, even into our journey as parents. My plea to you is to deal with your shit before becoming a parent or ASAP if you already have kids.

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I had a welling of anxiety rise in me today from a simple e-mail my husband sent me, one of his co-workers that we are close to is excited to host a work shower for us and wanted to confirm a date with me. That was it. That was enough to stress me for a couple of hours and leave me in a less than stellar mood. And it is so stupid because this woman loves us and just wants to do something nice for us.

Here is my sob story and background to my weird reaction. I have blogged details about my family falling to hell before, the death of a few siblings, my family never seeking any kind of therapy after those events, etc. My mother who was already kind of a wreck due to abusive parents and grandparents found it easier to fall into the indifference they treated her with by doing the same to me, her husband, and my remaining siblings in the aftermath. I moved away from her and my dad when I was 14 because I was sick of getting beat up by her. Sure she screamed, called me horrible names, said unnecessary things, but the thing that really bothered me was when she left physical marks of violence on my face and arms. I was getting the shit beat out of me at home and preferred to not have to deal with that reality when I was away from her.

Flash forward to modern day. I have two sisters that are a lot like my mother with their emotional indifference to their children and my mother who has selective memory and claims she has no recollection of ever laying a hand on me. Oh boy, the story of my mother. I never told my husband anything about my family for the first year we dated, I mean who would believe this stuff? Sadly he has met her and can vouch for her emotional violent streak. She has not changed much over the years.

So what does this have to do with a baby shower, or rather 3 baby showers next month? I am a little anxious about them. My mother nor sisters are coming to any of them (we are not even going to invite them), but I feel weird having living blood family that could care less. I felt the same way with my wedding parties and opted for a 3-day weekend in Disneyworld with my best friend and husband to avoid this kind of anxiety. You cannot do the same thing with baby parties though so here it is BAM hitting me head on. I just wish I had the kind of family that would at least be supportive with their words.

I have sought therapy (thank goodness for free sessions you get in college). I have talked it out with professionals. I am at a place of compassion for my family, but it is still hard because there is no closure from their end. I have learned basic lessons as an adult like it is not o.k. to hit someone else. You know, the basic lessons most people learn as a toddler. I have learned to use my words. This is the shit I had to work out before I even felt right being in a relationship. There is no way I would be able to have the husband that I have if I did not work on this stuff. I get terrified to think of the prospect of being a parent if I did not deal with the painful memories of my childhood. I am seeing what happens when you don’t with how my nieces are being raised.

SO ONCE MORE, PLEASE DEAL WITH YOUR SHIT AS PARENTS ASAP OR ANYONE WANTING TO BE A PARENT ONE DAY.

Now back to me and these parties. I will have to meditate a lot around these dates. I need to show my gratitude to those who want to celebrate me and my husband’s growing little family. Even though I wish I had closure with my family, I still have to deal with the fact that it may never be there. My husband says it is as if I mourned the loss of my mother years ago except she is not dead. The longing for wanting to connect with my maternal lineage is strong right now, but much like loving a dead mother it is an apparition.