When I lived in Miami I lived in fear a good deal of the time. In my 3 1/2 years there I saw between 18-20 auto accidents that resulted in fatalities and had bodies on the scene. The driving there was insane. I was born and bred in Los Angeles, so used to “big city” driving but Miami was a different beast. It was like driving in Tijuana, Costa Rica, and Panama with the exception that people did not give a crap about you. My husband and I would check-in daily to let the other know we had arrived at our destinations just in case. This really became the case after my own pretty bad car accident. We both lived in a constant state of fear of losing the other on the road.
In moving to Boulder, CO the fear is not there but we will check in to say we reached a destination if there is a lot of snow or ice on the road as a courtesy. As it is my husband has had more blood and concussions from bicycle accidents (none involving cars) here compared to anything he had from fender benders in Miami. His bike accidents are not as scary though, he has more control of the situation and is doing something he loves.
I mention this example of fear to compare it to my pregnancy. I am generally not fearful of what is going on with my body and baby. This is my first time carrying a babe like this (I had one miscarriage years ago but it was very early in the process, and when we weren’t planning so I was still on birth control). As a first-time mom-to-be I am told I am pretty relaxed. In truth I have been. I have only become nervous the day of check-up appointments and it is just hoping the baby’s heart beat is good and my fundal growth is on target. Other than that there is no big deal. I am eating well, exercising, and minimizing my stress in hopes of giving my little Zakumi the best place to grow as possible.
I mean really what else can I be doing? I don’t obsessively call my midwife or stay up pondering all the what-ifs of what can go wrong. I think pragmatically and know that going down that road will only increase the stress I am trying to minimize for the baby’s benefit.
So here I am, one day before our little family goes to a perinatal care center for an anatomy screen and echocardiogram. And I gotta say, I am a little nervous. The only major concern is a history of a CHD with one half-sister . I am doing everything I can to be healthy but life is a game of chance. My husband and I know this. We had to do some hard homework with our midwife back in January that included short answer questions about the possibilities of things not going well for me and baby, as well as if these circumstances happened during a home birth. We are not blind to the what-ifs of having a baby. We simply choose not to obsess and stress over them.
So why am I being worried a day before this appointment? I wish I knew. I do not feel like anything is wrong. I just want to get it over with and hear that everything is fine, “your baby is healthy.” If the baby is not healthy, then we will handle it at that time.
I can’t even imagine how some people go about their nine months being in a constant state of worry… it would suck! I checked my undies in the 1st trimester to make sure I wasn’t bleeding, I had anticipation to feel kicks, usual stuff, but not obsessive. Even with being in this new state for me (which will hopefully be short-lived) it still feels more like learning my husband skinned his hand from a bicycle fall vs. wondering if he will make it home from work. I suppose this is the good, healthy fear I will carry time to time for the rest of my life, the fear that you inherit with motherhood. You just want the best for your babe.