My husband and I are very blessed, we never had to deal with infertility. We are not ignorant to the topic though. With our friends we do not pry because we just assume friends who do not have kids have a right to their privacy unless they choose to share. Walking on this side of caution has saved us from awkward conversations and making people feel like crap. For my husband and I this is standard protocol for handling this topic in public because you never know what people are going through behind closed doors.
However, no matter how much tact you have it can all go out the window when you become pregnant and choose to tell your friends. For me I think this is more important with my close friends versus acquaintances. I am closer to their situations and tried to handle each one with what I knew about them. For all my close friends I prepared them for the possibility by telling them at the start of 2009 that we were going to try to have a baby later in the year but that we had a lot of preparation thus asked for their good wishes. I had some friends who would ask every month if we were pregnant and I would have to say no, we aren’t gonna try til September. It seemed like a couple treated it as a running joke. When it came time to conceive I would just tell them, “soon” and they eventually stopped joking about it.
When we were pregnant we immediately let two of my girlfriends know who wanted to know the moment I read the pregnancy test. They had asked for that privilege and I obliged especially since one did that for me when she became pregnant.
Then it was the trickle of letting this information out to other people. We told a wave of people at seven weeks, the people who would be let in on our sadness if we lost the baby early. Friends we would turn to in grief as well as happiness. During this time I was privy to other pregnancies, and sadly information of acquaintances who had recent miscarriages or depression from infertility. People were kind enough to clue me and my husband in on what circle of people we knew to be extra cautious with when we told everyone the news. During this time of hush-hush joy I was also exposed to a good friend’s sadness who had a great pregnancy, had her baby, but was having a rough go at motherhood due to exhaustion and an unsupportive partner. Her comments took me by surprise because she has always been one of my best supporters but was now for the first time in our relationship saying horrible things about a situation I was going through.
The next wave of people to find out were the public wave, the time when everyone can know as you hit the 2nd trimester milestone. We told a lot of people on twitter and were congratulated at public events in our community. This was also time to tell the wild card close friends, the ones making odd jokes asking if we were pregnant every month before we were trying to conceive. One girlfriend and her husband were especially hard. She works in the medical profession and is no dummy about how the human body works and has talked for over a decade about how she does not want children. Her and her husband have been very open with me and my husband about their plans not to procreate. They were suspiciously too open in my humble opinion. When I told her at 13 weeks she was quiet at first. The phone call was short and I was not sure if she was offended I took so long to tell her or if it was something else. Weeks went by before we talked again and then when she called it all came crashing out. They have chosen not to have kids but her underlying medical conditions and knowledge of them led them to that decision and the brick wall of me telling her our good news made her re-evaluate if she should try for a kid despite her odds. I felt horrible, I had been preparing her all of 2009 for the possibility of us having a baby and she was not ready for it.
She has since come around since and is on board. I still feel bad for putting her through some hard emotions but they are not going to have kids and she will just be a shopaholic for mine like the Auntie she is. My bestie having issues with motherhood right now has not come around and I choose not to talk about my pregnancy with her but instead focus on her motherhood journey and try not to let the topic come back to me when we are on the phone. The people I have been told through the grapevine who are suffering around this topic in their own way don’t hear me gush about my process (one big reason I have a twitter mommy stream and this blog as an outlet). I suppose in general I do not go on and on about my pregnancy, I am happy for me and my husband but don’t want to make a spectacle of myself where strangers can be hurt by private things they are going through. I am also not obviously showing yet, so it is easy not to be a spectacle in public.
In dealing with my inner circle about this pregnancy I have treated it with the seriousness and succinctness I would a death only because you never know what people are going through.
- Prepare those close to you if you are prepared for them also know about your challenges and grief if you are not able to conceive or if you have a miscarriage.
- When it comes time to announce be succinct with no filler words thus allowing people to respond in a way they can be honest. Continue the conversation if they continue it but pay attention to cues of how they are reacting.
- Honor those close to you by telling them when you think it is important for them to know. If it is your BFF that wants to know when you are peeing on the stick then do it if you want. If you have close friends or family that are more unstable in your life then wait to tell them when you feel it is right. It is a matter of how much you want someone in the process you share with your partner.
- If you choose to share ultrasound pictures and other mementos be sure to pick an appropriate situation. If at work consider your office, not the break room so that those close to you will come to your area instead of spilling your kool aid in a way for everyone to see (there may be people who don’t want to be part of it).
- If you have people close to you dealing with miscarriage or infertility be succinct and honorable in sharing your news and keep the topic on you. There is no need to offer them encouragement in their process in the face of your good news, it can come off as a slap in the face.
- If you have friends dealing with miscarriage or infertility that come to you to talk while you are pregnant really considering listening. Just listening and offering a hug or shoulder to cry on. Just because you are pregnant does not mean you are a fertility expert, reconsider offering advice on what they can do that worked for you unless you are asked directly. Simply listening can mean so much.
- If you tell people who are less than supportive then avoid going to them for encouragement about the process they are are not supporting. If you have to talk to them then minimize the topic of you and your pregnancy so you don’t hear their negative words.
The world is not a fair place but that does not mean that you have to add to the unfairness. Be gracious with your news, enjoy the support when you receive it, and have compassion when you do not. This is a process about you and your baby and that is the most important relationship to focus on for 9 months… well the one with your partner too if they will be a part of your child’s life.