My babe is eight months and five days old. He is hitting all kinds milestones. His health has been great minus a couple of sniffles, etc. There should be no reason for anxiety right now but there is and I HATE IT!
My son is approaching the age my baby brother was when I found him dead. He died of SIDS. He seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby and yet one morning just shy of my third birthday I went to go wake him up and play with him in his crib and he didn’t wake up. That memory is my first complete memory. That event is burned firmly in my brain. As an adult I finally sought bereavement counseling for it. I had to in order to carry a child in pregnancy without being a basket case. I thought I was fine in my balance of attachment to the fear.
This week has been showing me otherwise.
I am not sleeping much. I am distracted. I am anxious. I find myself scared to check on my baby when he is sleeping in his crib for the fear he won’t wake up. As I walk down the hallway I breathe, and prepare myself in case he doesn’t. That is horribly macabre, but the only way I have been able to go about the week with a “normal” routine for him. This is not normal.
Today I almost considered finding a sub for my yoga class because I do not feel balanced and feel that is key when teaching a class. For the mamas in the class I read them a passage of poetry about the motherhood journey and gratitude. I logically know this on the surface but something in my head is not keeping me at ease.
I am looking forward to 10 months. I know I will breathe a sigh of relief. I know me and my father will probably hug because the hurdle of nine months being over and what we went through with our past. This is so arbitrary but part of my psyche that I cannot rationalize.
Any advice? Any mamas who lost littles have any words to help me deal? I know this is a tender topic and if you feel posting on this blog is too insensitive please email me bodhibearinfo/gmail
Thank you. I am grateful for Bodhi and his health. I am. I just can’t put this memory away in my pocket for now.