motherhood. anxiety. help? advice?

My babe is eight months and five days old.  He is hitting all kinds milestones.  His health has been great minus a couple of sniffles, etc.  There should be no reason for anxiety right now but there is and I HATE IT!

My son is approaching the age my baby brother was when I found him dead.  He died of SIDS.  He seemed to be a perfectly healthy baby and yet one morning just shy of my third birthday I went to go wake him up and play with him in his crib and he didn’t wake up.  That memory is my first complete memory.  That event is burned firmly in my brain.  As an adult I finally sought bereavement counseling for it.  I had to in order to carry a child in pregnancy without being a basket case.  I thought I was fine in my balance of attachment to the fear.

This week has been showing me otherwise.

I am not sleeping much.  I am distracted.  I am anxious.  I find myself scared to check on my baby when he is sleeping in his crib for the fear he won’t wake up.  As I walk down the hallway I breathe, and prepare myself in case he doesn’t.  That is horribly macabre, but the only way I have been able to go about the week with a “normal” routine for him.  This is not normal.

Today I almost considered finding a sub for my yoga class because I do not feel balanced and feel that is key when teaching a class.  For the mamas in the class I read them a passage of poetry about the motherhood journey and gratitude.  I logically know this on the surface but something in my head is not keeping me at ease.

I am looking forward to 10 months.  I know I will breathe a sigh of relief.  I know me and my father will probably hug because the hurdle of nine months being over and what we went through with our past.  This is so arbitrary but part of my psyche that I cannot rationalize.

Any advice? Any mamas who lost littles have any words to help me deal? I know this is a tender topic and if you feel posting on this blog is too insensitive please email me bodhibearinfo/gmail

Thank you.  I am grateful for Bodhi and his health.  I am.  I just can’t put this memory away in my pocket for now.

6 Comment

  1. I’m sending you huge love. I understand the grief, fear, and powerlessness. I lost my daughter. I have been scared about my other children as well. Keep up with your support system. Write, talk and keep doing so. Don’t be silent (unless silence serves you in healing) You are not alone. Just keep breathing and loving your little one. I keep saying, “It doesn’t get better but it does get different.”

    1. Thank you.

  2. It’s totally understandable that this would be a difficult time for you. Just because you are experiencing anxiety does not mean that you haven’t dealt with your grief. Anytime we experience trauma, passing through a similar phase of life bring back the feelings of loss, grief and anxiety.

    Allow yourself some time. Go day by day, minute by minute if needed. Journal your thoughts. Give Bodhi extra snuggles. Check his breathing in the middle of the night if you need to. (I did that ALL the time with Ladybug. Still do.)

    Sending thoughts of peace to you.

  3. ((((Kia))) I have done this numerous times. I have woken up and thought “oh God why didn’t the baby wake up sooner.” We’ve talked about our losses. Someone described it to me as PTSD. Think of how someone would feel after going back to a place that would remind them about something horrible. Their body and minds react. Yours is doing the same. It’s not something you can control. But it is something you can fix a little bit. Talk to your doctor. Explain to him what’s going on. It doesn’t have to be a permanent thing. It’s temporary to help you get through this time. You also have my number. Call me anytime. Text too. We can even skype. I am here for you!

  4. […] my week… stress eating (my hubby is a DICK when he doesn’t feel well and I am feeling some major stress lately) plus lame carbs (a.k.a. high glycemic carbs while son and hubby were recouping) had me pack on a […]

  5. Oh Kia, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. Mothers have intense anxiety over the health and safety of their children ANYWAYS (at least I do), and we never had to go through something like you.

    I will say this though- (I’m not sure if you vaccinate, I searched your site where I read that you were trying to figure it out)

    But there has been lots of new research to suggest that SIDS is directly related to vaccination, and inflammation in the brain. It’s just another really awful side affect that they are NOT informing parents about.

    I’ve learned so much recently about SIDS, that is has calmed my fears with my children. Obviously, I never had the horrible experience you did, but I thought I would share this- in case it was any comfort.

    Hope you can find some peace and strength.

    (P.S. I’ve just been going through your posts- and I think we share SO many interests- for one- I am a home birthing mama too!)

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